Tag Archives: faith

Woah My List Needs A List! #tag

I was rereading the Spoon Theory in preparation for a Vlog I will be doing on it. I was prompted to do the video on it because my second mother just stumbled across it and had never heard it before! Silly me was just thinking all us sick people knew it and if I read it then those I love should psychically know it right?! Welcome to my brain!
So anyways, I will speak more on that and share the Vlog when I have the energy to explain I have no energy 🙂 hehe So, for some reason all this spoon talk prompted me to think, “Hey! I should right down all my symptoms as everyone has a different experience with fibromyalgia and I also have other conditions.” I throw symptoms out all willy nilly (yes, I just used that phrase) and I honestly expect everyone to know, again psychically, what I am going through. So, I open my Vlog diary to quickly write out my symptoms and begin to write……….*still writing*………….*still writing*……..O_o…….wtf?!………*come up for air* I mean GEESH!!! I haven’t really written it all out and sat and access it since I was diagnosed. It is staggering and sobering. No wonder I feel so frustrated when others don’t seem to understand how much effort something that is simple for “healthy” people to do. DANG!
I suggest you start at the top of your head and finish at your tippy toes and write all that you deal with including your brain! Sit back look at it and show your specialist, pain management doctor, or rhymotologist. If all doctors are sucking at being doctors aka doctors in Nc (minus a select few) then use it to access your own treatment. At the very least it was liberating. I cannot really explain it because it sounds like it would be depressing but it’s totally not. It’s the complete opposite. I could puff up my chest like yeah this is what I deal with so just try to say I’m lazy or faking or “you could totes work part time!”
I will share my list of symptoms (minus the stick figure diagram of myself) in hopes that someone will either learn more about the wide array of symptoms for fibro or feel not alone! It’s hard but hey we aren’t suffering alone and I love my readers and hope that in comradery y’all will list yours for yourself and if feeling brave share in the comments!

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List of Symptoms
Scalp pain
Occipital pain two points
Dry eyes\bloodshot
Pain in eyes
Daily headaches
Dry mouth wakes me up
Jaw tightness\pain
Allergies
Sore throat
Painful lips from picking
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Major depression
Social anxiety
Codependency
Self harm
Insomnia
Fatigue
Neck pain\strained
Fibro fog
Memory loss
Trouble remembering
Trouble concentrating
Trouble doing simple tasks
Trouble with speech
Radiating pain
Pain down pack
Radiating pain down shoulders
Tightness in shoulder blades
Elbow pain
Chest pain\rib cage
Stomach cramping
Heartburn\Acid reflux
Nausea\upset stomach
Throwing up
Full body widespread pain
Lower back pain
Pain in tailbone
Pain under buttocks (can’t sit)
Thigh tenderness and radiating pain
Knee radiating pain
Left knee injury
Sore calves
Severe menstrual pain
UTI symptoms\bladder pain
IBS
Bloating
Cramping
Sharp pain
Constipation
Diarrhea
Morning stiffness
Morning tightness
Full body pain
Exhaustion
Feel like in a fog
Muscle jerks\spasms
Sensitivity to smells, tastes, noise, crowds, lights
I get overwhelmed easily
Gluten allergies
Sleep interruptions
Wake up often
Can’t fall asleep
Can’t stay asleep
Flulike symptoms (feels like poison in my veins)
Throbbing pain
Stabbing pain
Aching pain
Primary and secondary insomnia
Sensitivity to medicines
Get sick or exhausted with exercise
Shortness of breath
And more unfortunately! Incredibly freeing! I hope that in comradery y’all will list yours for yourself and if feeling brave share in the comments and title it so we can see and invite your readers to join in!
Name your post “My list needs a list” and tag 1-5 people
Keep fighting!

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My Vlog Channel if interested! Click here

Temptation 30 Day No Makeup Challenge #30DNMC

So I am running out the door to church not a stitch of anything on my face. My lips are white and chapped so I pull out my beautiful makeup bag while driving (not safe don’t do this) to grab some simple Chapstick.

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Really? First off where do I get off owning this many lip glosses/lipsticks? PS this is only my purse makeup bag haha. And second I pulled out gorgeous lipgloss and gorgeous lipstick. WHERE IS THE APPROVED NO MAKEUP CHAPSTICK?!? Deep breathing helps at this point. I did for a split second think ahhhhh just throw a light lip gloss on! Freaking WHAT?!? Then I picture Emilee Lowe’s brave cute face with no makeup holding me accountable and I keep rooting for the dang Chapstick. I have to say I’m proud I didn’t go with the lip gloss. It seems silly but to me it felt brave and empowering because no one could judge from anything but my God given face! Pretty cool in my opinion. But let me tell you a secret…..come closer….after 30 days….closer… Secrets psssttt… Closer…..I CANNOT WAIT TO WEAR MAKE UP!!!! Lol I just love it so much and the artistry of it haha. I am learning A LOT about my self and connecting in new ways with God. It’s like when you do a new exercise at the gym and the next day you feel sore muscles you didn’t even know existed, that’s how this challenge has been. Again a big thanks to Emilee I will link her down below please welcome her into the community as you all have me. I love you guys thanks goodness for technology so I have friends here! Fight on friends!

Emilee Lowe’s blog (read about her journey with the #30DNMC)
http://emileeruthlowe.wordpress.com/
PS had no idea she posted about being tempted how funny!

Also please please please take a few minutes to watch my video blog project which is 365 days of My Life with Chronic Pain: http://m.youtube.com/channel/UCQ6o5l4vxnZaITGSUA6nuRQ

No Makeup Challenge Insight!

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So I am doing a 30 day makeup free challenge with my girl Emilee. Not only to support her journey but I really like the message of showing your real face, created beautifully and perfectly by God, to everyone and anyone. I am only a few days into the challenge and God is revealing so much more than “Emily stay off the Sephora website!!” My first thought was GOD WHAT IF I HAVE TO GO ON A DATE?!? Why was that something I even thought of? He is showing the walls I build up toward men. I tend to actually put no makeup pics up and little makeup but first couple dates full makeup. I have gotten a sense of intimidating, which for my girls that know me I am very easy to talk to and approach, so there is no reason for me to place another wall up. More importantly I thought of dating before God. It not only shows my priorities but also that I am not trusting God in ALL areas of my life. I am putting this out there as truthful as I can be along with my naked face.
Check out my girls original blog about her decision for the challenge: http://emileeruthlowe.wordpress.com/2014/01/17/beauty-vanity-break/
(She is also blogging her experience!)

TAG YOUR TURN #nomakeupchallenge
Please check out my Vlog. I am doing 365 days in my life with chronic pain. The encouragement and thumbs up would mean the world to me on this journey. Click here: My Life With Chronic Pain on YouTube *click*

Poem

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Untitled
I’m desperately seeking her
But she has been gone
I’m shaking to find him
But it ended all wrong
I’m fixing up myself
But I still remain
I’m searching for them
But none remain

Cascading falls of golden hair
Cannot repair what’s under the makers care
Firey cremation cannot change my state
Not when I meet my maker of fate
Speaking angry words of ill hate
Leads the debate
Of a slippery slope I certainly skate

Cool winds and a fast car
Never can get me far
Not when I’m reaching out for a star
I will never just be par
Instead reaching for self harm
Never setting off an alarm
Perfuming them all with my charm
Careful not to lift sleeves up my arm

Some do not know there is a feeling of lack
It’s not sorrow or pain or a devil on your back
It’s vile and worse and nothing can compare
To the numbness of not having a care
You breathe, you are alive but do you dare
To check a pulse, a vein, the brain I don’t care
It’s my being there that needs a repair

With a simple tear you rush
As the gush turns you to mush you hear the demons hush
And in a second, maybe all comes back in a rush
A few more in your brain packed to crush

This mark is an illusion I know
I have opened my soul and God has had to sew
You can row around the edges of my dark
But not with a cut, burn, bruise or mark
So drive in, watch the feature, come in and park
As I show the story of one lonely soul
Digging deep to feel a heartbeat
Instead of living I wanted some meat
But see things are never quite so neat
I can handle the heat, razor or cheat
I have to be hit over the head and beat
To feel as though I am living, alive with a heartbeat
I don’t think so, no, this can’t be right
I will stand and fight with every ounce of my might

And when I’m lying and too tired or don’t even care
Stripped of my worth and dignity bare
When the last I want to do is share
The only thing left is to be aware
Not knowing if I will catch a stare
But I certainly am on the first step of heaven that starts with a stair

I set down my chain, blade and flame
No one else these marks can claim
Realize I am holding and to blame
I will let Him take my battle
It’s time I get back in the saddle and ride to my sunset
Whether in a car, train or private jet
I think my future will be a safe bet
When God is my safety net

Myself I will face and break the past that I am leaving without a trace
It isn’t a race or how I need to keep pace
I have already removed the lace from my shoes that will track me to a different place
Where God will embrace me with His grace

Keep the Faith

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It is natural to question your faith while dealing with illness and all that comes with it. Our “why am I alive” becomes “what the heck can I possible be doing on this earth!?” We feel pushed and pulled to do this and be that. Come on serve more, give more and be a better Christian. Well what happens when we are physically or mentally unable to do that? Well that leads to the “come on God!!!!” conversation or well yelling match. When dealing with chronic issues “why me?” shifts to “how can I be me?” The enemy is constantly attacking. Think about it when do you feel the least prepared for the devil! Sick, tired, in pain, anxious, depressed, alone. Well I’m sure many chronically ill person is saying yep that’s me every day. I truly believe the sick are meant to make there mark on this earth so profoundly. Why else would we be under attack every day? A lot of us succumb to the little voice in our head that says we are “less than” or “not enough” or “beyond broken.” But for those that don’t and just say “SHUT UP NEGATIVE VOICE I HAVE A PURPOSE!” those are the warriors for God. We share our stories which the enemy doesn’t want us to be aide our story is powerful for the kingdom of God. Let me address….”if there is a God then why am I going through this?!” Ahhhhh you are going through this because there is a God who is using you as weapon against the devil and an instrument to bring others to Jesus. Think about a story without struggle does it have the same emotional impact? Not for me! Our scars show progress, our struggles show determination and our pain shows great adversity that we overcome every minute of every day. I cannot think of a more powerful motivation to be a better person and thank God for this anointed position. We stand strong as hurt, broken, wrong people that still believe and conquer and destroy the enemy. Our faith may waver because it becomes confusing. I understand that and have been there but with every question points us to learning. The Bible is littered with broken people. The blind man, the adulterous woman and the man with leprosy all showed God’s presence and proved to everyone Christ is the son of God, the messiah. That is pretty huge. Those were broken people and that’s who Christ chose to hang with so when you think you aren’t enough or God has left you remember that God is closest to the broken hearted and Christ chose to help the poor and troubled. We have power and closeness to God. Don’t let the enemy tell you otherwise. You are worthy, enough, important and loved. Fight on tooth and nail and share your struggles so that they may be cut in half. Fight on so that others may come closer to Christ by hearing your smallest miracles. If you do you will see more and more. Fight on friends. Fight on!

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If its not one thing it’s another. Wake up YAY I’m not in pain today BOO I’m anxious and depressed and so the cycle goes. I have a few choices take enough medication to make me a zombie (no thank you!). I can sit and endure it and keep silent or I can thank God to be alive and share my story. Clearly from this blog you can see the choice I made not that it is an easy one. Choosing a life of faith means along with a body that attacks me I also have a deceptive enemy attacking me at all times!

The good times far out weighs the bad times and keeps me going. I chose to be part of an amazing Christ centered recovery program called Celebrate Recovery. I have the humbling experience of sitting in a room of some of the bravest people I know. Not only are they brave but they are loving and nonjudgmental. They truly are living examples of striving to be like Christ. God is close to the broken hearted. I have a place I can go and vent, share, cry and laugh with people that just get me no matter what the struggles are with.

Depression hits me and I think I am going to die alone and my cats and dogs will make a meal of me and nobody will find me for 2 weeks. The enemy feeds these negative thoughts and my single girl syndrome! I find myself struggling with jealousy and comparing myself to others my age. It’s a bad cycle that focuses on what I don’t have instead of focusing on what I do have which is a whole heck of a lot. So those fighting illness silently let your sparkle shine and support one another!

My pain soulmate!

ImageLately, I have been struggling to express myself with describing my illness and pain. I get a lot of blank stares and awkward transitions on to another topic. I recently commented that my friends are either young and super active or older with health issues. Don’t get me wrong I love my friends but I do struggle between over sharing or not letting others know the real me. 

Today I got to talk (all day actually) to my pain sistah from another Mistah. I actually felt relieved and not alone. She is young AND dealing with chronic pain. In this case yes misery does love company because, dang it, it’s lonely being miserable! We were finishing each others sentences practically and swapped war stories. We just laughed and could not believe how similar we are and our struggles. 
God gave me this life and these struggles to share my story and to build fellowship. We are not meant to suffer alone. Loneliness is a choice because God created us to have unique connections with others. To share our sorrows is to lighten our burdens and in my case feel that I am not completely crazy because someone else goes through what I do! Don’t misunderstand I am a nut case and proud of it! God just makes me laugh sometimes. I complain no one my age deals with what I do wah wah wah like a little child and then God places it on someone’s heart to reach out to me. It’s like an annoyed farher finally giving in to a whiney child. I love my Father and that He puts up with me and when I am faithful he provides. 
So today was spent in bed but not alone, instead, chatting to my pain soulmate about life, love and being so tired you want to punch yourself in the face. 🙂
iPhone= 200$
Unlimited texting= 20$
Someone that understands exactly what you mean=Priceless!!