Just an update: Warning I am laid out exhausted I am not at fault if I am blunt or cuss mmk? And i am saving the worst for last. So, my parents decide to travel from our home to Florida. Which is fine. I knew we would be leaving in January and I had time for the holidays and wrap some things up with my responsibilities at Celebrate Recovery. Well my parents decided we needed to leave within 3 days. I was crushed. Thank God for Rush and his servants heart who was very understanding and 2 awesome ladies stepped up in leadership at the drop of the hat. So thankful for those three and all who help at that ministry. But I can’t help but feel abandoned which is weird because I abandoned them. As someone who struggles with abandonment issues I pray no one in that ministry feels that way. I feel like my heart is ripped in two and part of that half is in that ministry. God is doing such amazing things with them I just wish my legs and hands were there to help. Praying for them all and still buying stickers I can’t help it.
So, I am ripped from NC with the clothes on my back and a very small suitcase mainly filled with my bibles. All holiday plans cancelled. I won’t be able to exchange gifts with my best friends (my favorite thing is to see their face I love giving gifts). No secret Santa with my step study ladies. No birthday dinners or hugs.
I also am launching my shop Relentless Grace. Very exciting and I was VERY organized and had yarn coming out my ears (how I love it) and my work area set up perfectly. All I brought with me is my crochet needles. Trying to be grateful because my shop is for God only it’s His deal…..pretty much He’s making me do it!! Haha so he will be here in Florida just seems chaotic and stunted and I’m being ornery about it so that doesn’t help. The 12 hour drive wiped me out and I’m pretty much stuck in bed so far. Upside lots of time to crochet. God I’m rolling with you on this one.
So, we come to the reason we rushed down here. 5 months ago my Opa (grandfather in German) was driving, shopping, talkative, loving, and in good health. We knew my Opa had fallen had surgery on his back and was not doing well. Now you see the rush to get to Florida. My precious mother was on the phones all day long in NC trying to deal with doctors nurses staff and hospitals. I don’t know how she did it. We are here now and she can talk face to face with my Opa’s doctors. My Dad won’t visit because he wants to remember my Opa how he was when we saw him in February. I respect that and after visiting my Opa I understand his wishes more. This is really hard to type out….you think you understand but you really don’t until someone you love looks you in the eyes and does not know you. I said “Opa it’s Emmy…it’s Emmy Opa,” no response but when one of the staff members at the assisted living home walked in he got so excited to see her. I panicked and was overwhelmed. I need to stay strong for my mom so I went into work mode. Made beds, cleaned dentures, tidied up, put away clothes I went nuts avoiding my emotions and this person that used to be my Opa who would hug me and tell me how tall I am even though I’m only 5’6″ haha. That wasn’t my Opa that was a shell of a man. He is withered (the best way I can describe his state) I did get to pray over my Oma which was amazing. She prayed in German and cried but she seemed so much more at peace. I want to cut my Opa’s hair and read the bible to him and laugh and talk and have him boss me around. But I don’t know this shell of a man and I find myself full of regret and even angry with God for having me so sick I can’t go every day to visit. In a way I have resigned he is protecting me but the stubborn part of me wants to be there to make up for my mistakes the past 30 years with a strained relationship with my grandparents. I feel very protective of them now and feel compassion for them I didn’t have before. My Oma cares for my Opa for most of his needs. It makes me wonder who will be with me at the end of my life. It’s scary and sad. My priority has shifted from spending quality time with my Opa to being there for my mom who is so incredibly caring and strong! She can only be strong for so long and as a huge part of my Mom’s life is caring for her 30 year old sick daughter (lucky her right?) I want to make things easier for her because she already does so much.
So, in this distress, all I want, is the people that are farthest away. I want my brother and sister to come for Christmas (they can’t this year) and my best friends who even when I’m Niagra Falls crying can make me laugh, divert, smile or understand, Lindsey, Alicia, Monica and Erika. God’s gifts to me. I need their hugs. My second parents who even 12 hours away help so much with Skype and texts and prayer. I just miss them and my church.
So, I didn’t cuss but definitely Debbie downer vent.
So, that’s the update. Oh and I cannot get my mind off my ex who I have not talked to in yearsssss. It’s crazy and weird I don’t even know how to get ahold of him. Anyways I have stuff I need to work out with God for sure. Complete but case here!