Hi my name is Pain!

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Recently, I was smiling to hide the pain as usual and the one guy that sees through me asked how I was doing. I replied okay and he said, “really?” And just looked at me with a knowing look and I lost it for the first time in public in a long time. The constant pain just got too much at that point but the real reason I broke down was others not having compassion for what I deal with on a daily basis. Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why are there boogers? These are some questions kids ask and at first it’s cute and then at some point you end up saying OH I DONT KNOW!! I have tried hiding my illness and it almost killed me. I have tried being extremely open about it and it has left me just as empty and sadden. It seems no matter how I explain it, whether I put a brave face on or completely break down, healthy people will never truly understand. This can leave me feeling utterly hopeless and alone. My illness annoys me how can I expect it not to bother others? You know when you hear your voice on a message and you think, “OMG I really sound that way?! That’s awful! I feel bad for people that I have to listen to me!” That is how I get with telling others I feel ill or I’m in pain. People give me the ole “I’ve been in severe pain you can’t tell me at pain.” I want to say “well did the pain stop? Because mine doesn’t and I don’t have pain killers to take it away. It’s unceasing and never ending. That is why suicide is high because we have to look at our life with physical pain as a norm.” That’s a hard pill to swallow and one that many of us still haven’t swallowed because it seems dismal and frankly scary. I’m single (shocker, I know!) because the thought of bringing someone into my world of pain seems unfair and a burden. I know all the responses to this and all the things people say to pacify this idea but I know what I live and I barely get by let alone another person who doesn’t understand trying to take this all in. It literally scares me. That’s where I am at 7 years into this illness and a year and 41 days into recovery for codependency. I have recently realized the statement I always said to people, “I am not my illness,” is not true. I am my illness it dictates my life and who I am right now. I am getting really honest here. I hate that I am admitting that I am my illness and pray for the day I become just Emily again.

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1 thought on “Hi my name is Pain!

  1. Jumping_Jenny_444

    Yes, it is very frustrating to have to deal with the pain, fatigue, and whatnot everyday. I tried explaining it to my dad this morning and he told me, “well your mother and I deal with that too!” He just couldn’t understand why I can’t even get part time work. He doesn’t exactly understand nerve damage from fibro and what it can do to you.
    In the terms of feeling like a burden to others because of your illness, I understand where you’re coming from. I feel like a burden every time I need to vent out my frustrations. However, it’s your true friends and family that will stay by your side no matter what. I’m single too, but I have faith that there is a guy out there for me who’s compassionate, understanding, and will be there for me when I need him most. I trust that there’s someone out there for you too who is just as understanding!
    Jenn xx

    Reply

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