I Am Not My Illness


How can your thoughts feel so happy but your body be so unhappy. I have hope in my heart and I know my purpose. I joyful worship and serve the Lord and He has spoken that to me. I am young and know my purpose seems perfect right? But I am stuck in a dysfunctional body. So I have a dream in my heart and a body that is not willing to fulfill it. My mind is punctual, hard working, generous, attentive, hungry for knowledge and busy. My body is moody, stubborn, unpredictable, lazy, distracted and miserable. So how do these parts come to a resolution? Well I am still working on this. I push myself some days and pay for it by getting super sick. I eat healthy a combination of Shakeology and gluten-free yummies and light physical activity daily. I take the medicines my doctors give me. Pretty much I am a goody two shoes!!! The thing is some of us are given trials by God. Whether it is to share with others to help them, console them or to strengthen your own beliefs, there is a purpose. Some days I lose sight of that purpose. I am not going to sit here and act like its easy and I don’t fail. I won’t sit here and pretend that at many points in my life I did not want to be alive. In November of 2012 I was hospitalized because I had given up. I dreamed of just being with God and having no more pain, illness, and anxiety. I still suffer the exact same as that day I was put in the psych ward but today I have hope and purpose.
When I stopped looking inward and asking why and started looking outward and asking what, I realized my life is not about me. It’s about what I can do for others, what should I share, what can I do to glorify God and what can I do with this life I have. I am not meant to suffer needlessly but I do think I am meant to be a witness. So instead of feeling bad for myself I am now trying to understand what can I do with these trials I have been given.
There is still a war as I step out in faith into the ministry I am called. Sometimes my body wins but instead of crying myself ragged I give myself grace and learn from each failure. No one is perfect. We all have struggles. It’s time we stop comparing ourselves to others who seem so perfect and get real by accepting we all have hurts. We are more alike as humans than not. So set your mind and body to peace and strive to be a better version of yourself each day even if that is putting in socks! Small triumphs are still triumphs!

2 thoughts on “I Am Not My Illness

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s