I woke up this morning. (By woke up I mean had slept for an hour that night and by morning I mean 11am) I open my eyes slowly while praying it is 5 in the evening, place my glasses on and groan as I look at my clock. I smile down at my chihuahua Bella as she snuggles up to me and asks for pets. I thank God for giving me another day and for all the blessings in my life. I then deal with the reality of, can I get out of bed today or not?
I stayed in bed for an hour stretching and listening to an audiobook trying to wake up my mind from the fibro fog. I slowly get out of bed and decide ok I can take care of Bella and get some lunch. After letting Bella out I am overwhelmed with waves of nausea and dizziness. I grab some spaghetti sauce and head back to bed. Bella gets breakfast from her Pop today.
The hard reality of pain, fatigue and illness is the mind and body don’t match up. I am happy to be alive. I love life. I LOVE working and being educated. I like going to the beach and taking my dogs for walks. I love serving at my church and just volunteering in general. That is my mind and my character.
My illness is unpredictable. It is mean and selfish. It doesn’t want to bring happiness or be responsible. It wants rest and struggles with life. It only wants to serve the purpose of the body’s recuperation. It is never on time and doesn’t care who’s feelings it hurts. That is my illness not my identity.
The unfortunate reality is I have to live in this body and listen to it. Only God can make it go away. No, I can’t just ignore it because I have tried and I end up in the hospital (ER and Psychiatric).
This confusing issue is something I think I will always struggle with because I am not my illness. I am Emily. I am grateful to be alive even fighting chronic illness. Praying for a cure.